The author, inaction
Some of my favorite photos...please feel free to send in funny or interesting photos that I can post.
Sometimes Tracy Morgan comes to me for help writing his routines.
Little known fact: Bees scare the hair off me.
One of my old drinking buddies that helped me to decide to try out sobriety. I think his name was Sam something.
In my younger days with an old girlfriend. No, this is one of the real photos. No, really.
Beach-bumming in Santa Barbara, CA
Also saw this flock of seagulls in Santa Barbara. After I took this picture? You guessed it. I ran. I ran so far away.
This sculpture of the memorable time Ben Franklin read his almanac to some friendly sidewalk dolphins just goes to show how ridiculously easy it is for artists to buy marijuana in California.
I liked this shot I took of the historic Mission in Santa Barbara. Brainwashing Indians has never been more beautiful.
The original author photo for the back cover of my book. Rejected for looking too much like an inebriated foreigner.
I built this cairn up in Olympic National Park in Washington state. It was later knocked down by the hooligan children you see in the background. Don't worry, they've been dealt with.... (maniacal laugh)
Have you ever pondered whatever became of Danny Noonan, from Caddyshack? I think he became one of this creepy guy's wives. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.
Newest photos are at bottom; please scroll down.
My first failed attempt at landing a summer job: Lifeguard at a pool for "little people"
My pal Kermit having a disturbing revelation. Another reason why you shouldn't smoke the drugs, kids.
Even while on vacation, born rebels like myself have to flirt with danger.
I have not been able to come up with any possible explanation for these freshly-iced urinals I saw in a Seattle comedy club's bathroom. Perhaps the urinal cakes were of the ice cream variety and had to be kept cold?
Summer job attempt #2: Selling eyebrow samples to science. I hope there will be free cookies.
If I said it once I've said it a thousand times: Do NOT sneak up on man and his wiener dog when they're minding their own business in their tiny, tiny chair.
(Thanks for the photo, Ernest, but...yikes!)
Hey, fellas! Even beautiful young women love this book! Buy it now, and they'll like you too! (I learned everything I know from Axe Body spray school of advertising.)
(Thanks for the photo, Ernest, but...yikes!)
On a recent trip to Yosemite.
Saw this sign driving back from Yosemite. What kind of recreation are they....wait, nevermind. No comment.
Photo taken from my neighbor's yard. Note the great price, but somehow, it's still there!
I find this fountain in Seattle fascinating. I think it's called "The Michael Jackson Memorial Fountain" but I'm not sure.
"Where the heck are these mountains that everyone keeps talking about?"
Do you think the misspelling of the word "substandard" was intentional here, or just ironically hilarious?
I finally got to see a game at Fenway Park in Boston, so cross one thing off my bucket list. Also, I was able to punch Snooki in the face, so I guess cross off two.
For baseball nerds, that's me in front of the Pesky Pole, with the Green Monstah in the background.
I try not to complain too much about construction affecting traffic, but come on, this is just asking too much!
At Walden Pond during my recent visit to Boston. So that's how Thoreau kept from going crazy in the woods for those two years. He's reading a text from Emerson that says: Stop sweating my technique, dawg! ROTFL
My friend Joseph and I in San Francisco, in town to check out the yearly "Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival" in summer 2011.
Among the performers at the Bluegrass Fest was Hugh "Dr. House" Laurie, who experienced a brief microphone malfunction and immediately suspected lupus as a cause.
I liked this sign. Someone had a superhip, jive-talkin mama when they were growing up.
An old photo sent to me recently by a friend. One of my favorite costumes from my days with Area 13 films--a volleyball coach of unclear nationality who tended to threaten players in a Russianish dialect.
Octoberfest 2011. Somehow, I can't think of a funny caption for this one.
My favorite sign at the short-lived Occupy Wall Street, Sacramento chapter, site. It references one of the more recent blunders by the Supreme Court.
Were you surprised the Ceiling Fan Pulls booth wasn't more popular at Apple Hill this year? Yeah, me too.
Dirty Harry (Potter) -- one of my Halloween costumes this year. "Do you feel lucky, Lord Voldemort? Well, do ya, punk??"
Sacramento Bartender: I'm not Hines Ward! Stop calling me that!
Me: You were great on "Dancing With the Stars."
I believe I may have mentioned my abiding fear of bees before.
With my friend John after we got upgraded to court-side seats at a Sacramento Kings victory. John must have spotted a cheerleader or maybe a dwarf juggling somewhere off camera.
Checking out some beautiful scenery on a trip to Monterey, CA.
I liked this lonely cypress tree I saw along the coast in the Monterey area. If you listen closely, you can hear it singing Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive."
I also created this more realistic postcard for Los Angeles county board of tourism, but I've not yet heard back from them.
Sometimes I need to use visual aids to get my point across.
I don't always go to bars, but when I do, I prefer the ones with the Most Interesting art on the walls.
Nothing says Spring Break like a visit to Fred's Mexican Cafe in Pacific Beach, San Diego!
Pretty nice panoramic view from a hiking trip to the Santa Monica Mountains. Nope, I didn't have cell phone coverage.
My cabin had nice amenities like this shelf that was apparently designed by Dr. Seuss.
Am I the only one who sees the botched circumcision attempt in this rock formation?
And to stay in the "classy white people" category, I loved this lady's outfit when I saw her sitting in front of me at a recent Rivercats baseball game. I wonder how many cans of Red Bull you have to drink to attain this look.
Looking through some of my old things lately and couldn't help sharing this photo of my parents on their wedding day.
With Carson Daly and a couple of mutual friends on a visit to Ventura Beach, CA. (aka God's Country!)
I loved this "warning" graphic on my neighbor's blow-up pool. Apparently you should be on the lookout for bald women with saggy boobs who can use their x-ray vision to shrink you smaller than birds even if you're in your protective igloo.
One of the best parts of having your eyes dilated is that you get to look like a psychopathic serial killer for a few hours.
The toilet paper my hotel provided. Because when I'm on vacation and have to take a dump, I want to be thinking about how much my mother loves me, don't you?
Me doing my John Belushi pose from 'Animal House' as I attempt to select an inconspicuous car to steal.
The obligatory summer beach shot. Eat your heart out, Hasselhoff.
In Pittsburgh, in front of a statue that depicts my lifelong hero and some other dude's butt.
While in the 'Burgh I snuck down to a better seat at a Penguins game. Alas, they wouldn't let me play, mainly because I wasn't properly uniformed and also because I'm kind of small and weak.
Steal my quarters will you?!? HULK SMASH!!!!
Ocean City, MD: I finally found an answer to my lifelong search for the human being who had the most confusingly bizarre hair.
Nothing beats Oktoberfest at Turn Verein in East Sacramento
Holmes & Yoyo hiking at Lake Berryessa
I saw this sign in Murphys, CA. That's one hot bitch.
I don't take no guff from no barkeep in no saloon! I'll park my giant bicycle anywhere I dern well please!
This photo of me wearing my friend's glasses proves two things:
1) I look good in glasses 2) Jay Leno's got nothing on me in the "enormous chin" department
Hiking in the Santa Monica Mountains
I always suspected I was freakishly strong, but I didn't realize that metal baseball bats could actually break.
Game of Thrones: Over. I win.
With some friends at the California State Fair
I have found that some inanimate objects simply will not listen to reason.
Ah the fun things you see on a road trip through northern California.
I wasn't going to take the exit on the left, but I figured what the hell--you only live once.
The exit on the right turned out to not even be there--just a mirage.
How come my city doesn't have designated skate lanes, like Portland Oregon?
A shot of the gorgeous Lan Su Chinese Gardens in downtown Portland.
Beer makes you think you can win a fight with anybody.
In Budapest - summer 2013
At the home of the original Budweiser plant in Czech Republic. If you want the American version in this part of the world, you have to order a "Bud." But nobody ever wants the American version.
If you ever wondered what happened to the Hard Rock T-shirt fad, not to mention stone-washed jeans, wearing sweater tied around your shoulders, and men wearing Capri shorts, I'd suggest a European vacation ASAP.
With some new friends in Prague. Yes, I know I'm the ugliest thing in the photo.
According to this photo I saw in a Communist museum in the Czech Republic, it's a good thing for us the Cold War wasn't decided by an eyebrow-growing competition.
If you haven't seen the movie "The Spectacular Now" go check it out--this guy is awesome in it!!
OOPS....this sign was put up WAAAAAAY too early, fellas.
As much as I enjoy a hike in one of our State Parks, no Martinis?!? Whatever, Communists.
They tried to make me fly to rehab. I said, "No, no, no."